Life or Something Like It

Take dog out
Clean bedroom
Take dog out

Clean living room
Take dog out
Clean kitchen
Do dishes
Fold laundry
Put up dirty laundry
Clean refigerator
Take dog out
Go to cluster meeting
Take dog out

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I am here.
Husband is here.
She is not.
They are here.

Sometimes "they" try to get me to talk about her and I'm not so sure what to say.
In fact most days I really don't want to talk about her at all.
Not when all of their faces contort and you can read their sadness.
I do not want to be sad, I want to live my life and be happy.
So I try not to bring her up too much, for fear of someone's emotional breakdown.
I can talk about her.
In some ways I do want to talk about her.
The things I say don't make them happy though.
She didn't "leave us" she died.
She didn't "pass away" she died.
She isn't an angel in Heaven, she's just simply in Heaven.
I know no one is trying to hurt me.
The by-product of all the special effort just pisses me of though.
It hurts like nothing you could imagine.

I never knew how much I was like my dad until this happened.  Emotionally stable.  Strong.  Much more rational than I imagined I would be....

Every book, self-help guide, and internet page describes "new normals" for people after such a loss.  I can't seem to find one that depicts a person reacting like myself....

Sometimes it would be easier if I could just experience the "new normal" and then everyone would stop flipping out when I'm so callous about the matter.


Writer's Block: It's me, not you

Have you ever broken off a relationship with a friend because it was unhealthy for your self-esteem? Were you proud of your decision or did you regret it?

I actually feel bad answering this.  My friend Jennifer and I were not always that good for each other.  It sucked losing our friendship, but I think that a lot of times our friendship caused us to just infect each other with our own bad energy, karma, whatever you want to call it.

Writer's Block: A rose by any other name ...

How did you choose your LiveJournal username? Is there an interesting story behind it?

Not really.  I have been obsessed with vampires since I was a little child.  I remember being like four and five and laying in my bed dreaming about vampires sneaking into my bedroom and biting me and stealing me away.  It wasn't because my life was horrible either, I was just weird, lol.  My parents didn't even really have me ever watch many vampire movies either, the only one I can remember watching that young was Buffy.  By the time I was old enough to choose my books though I couldn't get enough vampire books!  When I was in eighth grade I believe I started reading the book Sweet Blood and it pretty much was awesome to me.  Her screenname in the book was sblood, and that just kind of stuck.  I've used it for almost every internet alias I've ever had up until about a year ago.  Most of my screen names are now "dinonum", another weird story for another time, except for this one.  I tried to change my LJ SN lots of times, but finally found that the only LJ account I felt comfortable using was this one.

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  • 12:33 I just did some light pilates and now i'm reading a magazine. We get paid today, YAY! #
  • 13:41 The shocks on our car just went out :-) beautiful! #
  • 17:19 @amandacapps i really like that! #
  • 17:30 Waiting for @racheliciouss to get off work so we can start our girls night with liz and @brunetttebarbie! #
  • 23:44 Wal-Mart is hella busy for eleven on a Wednesday! #
  • 11:55 Ha ha watching fight club for breakfast :-) #
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  • 13:06 - #
  • 13:06 Artichoke pizza is a failure, kind of! I'm loving the toppings and crust just not the goat cheese part! #
  • 13:09 @sallyxsue yeah i've never had it before! It has kind of a gross flavor to me :-( #
  • 17:20 Movie night with the hubs! #
  • 20:30 I love my new bright green apron! Yay for cute Christmas gifts! #
  • 22:25 @heatherxedge well yeah! didn't you know that ill it takes is a digital camera and suddenly your a cool photographer! #
  • 22:28 I need to rearrange my apartment again, new vibes would be nice. Hmmmmmm, the only question is how?! #
  • 22:40 So does anyone actually like anchovies? I've never had them, and I can't deny I'm curious! If you've tried them, what did you think? #
  • 11:34 @amandacapps praying! What happened? #
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  • 19:21 Christmas party at HFTR tonight! It's gonna be fun :-) #
  • 22:47 @xSALLYSUEx stop shooting me!! #
  • 10:30 @elixdraughn ha ha yeah totally feeling ya on that! Tacos at ten at night not so great in the morning! #
  • 10:54 Our cat finally went into heat for the first time. Now our female dog is following her around humping her. *Slaps forehead* i feel violated. #
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  • 12:43 Blah! I'm having a really lazy day today. Looking up recipes, snuggling with my puppy, and cooking yummy goodness. #
  • 14:42 Brittany Murphy died :-( now i'll never be cave to listen to faster kill pussycat without feeling a little sad. #
  • 21:59 @heatherxedge oh yeah! Those were pretty much the best ever!! #
  • 10:46 Sometimes i wonder what possesses to let up make stupid choices. Self control and discipline take the back seat all too often. #
  • 11:51 @amandacapps feel better! #
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  • 12:47 Done grocery shopping! I bought salmon for the first time so thats exciting. Now i'm making lunch for andrew! #
  • 16:38 Salmon with ritz crackers, fo realz best meal ever! #
  • 22:59 @heatherxedge aw i'm sorry family is gross sometimes! #
  • 11:41 Today i'm going to meet Wilma, my in-laws new pet piggy :-) #
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